Surreal=Real

Today seemed weird. I had a few wacky dreams last night that put a spoiler on my day. Its hard to move on from them at times. They are so weird and so surreal. Yet i wake up and they decidehow my day will be.

I dreamed such odd dreams last night. However in one of them i was transitioning from Egleston to Emory, since ill be 21 in the fall. It was a traumatic experience in my dream. Ive been worried about it for about a year now but this dream gave me an uneasy feeling/ It set my day off wrong, and today when i went to clinic, it felt like i was at emory. parrish (the guy who signs me in every time) told me i didnt have an appointment. to go home. as if he hadnt been seeingme there almsot every wednesday for the last 3 years. I didnt recognize people in the halls. I didnt see Mike and Kyle sitting in the cafeteria by what they call the "runway of egleston" i didnt see my usual nurses...and i walked out crying. not from bad news, just from a frightening experience. 

I felt like it was SO SURREAL but then it hit me. in a few months itll be real. Ill start over. ill be new. i wont be  Mallory that everyone knows. i wont be the one that the nurse invites to her rehearsal dinner because we are THAT close. Ill just be a stranger. The security guards wont stop me to ask how im doing, because they have seen me dying, and prayed for me. or the janitors, or the parking deck attendants. 

I am scared. today was a strange daym unlike any other one i have had at egleston.. but it was a wake up call... that i better get used to just being another patient. Not "MALLORYS HERE" it will be Mallory Smith, liver patient. do you remember her? which one is that again?

yikes.

Crazy Little... tear?

What's The point of tears? Alot of people associate tears with sadness, and i know i surely do. But why? Crying doesnt happen only when were sad.

I cried yesterday because i was excited. I cried because Worshipping touches my heart so deeply. Thinking about how i have someone who loves me unconditionally, will always forgive me and has a special plan for me. Thats something worth crying for.

You know why i cried the other day? I was bored. I wasnt crying because i was bored.. but i had nothing else to do so i just cried. I cry at sad, happy sweet, special, fear, and i think that ALL of it is beautiful. No Shame in tears. It doesnt make you a sissy.. it makes you beautiful, because tears are the most pure way of showing emotion,,, they dont lie, they just are there to show you something

Welcome

So i'm thinking, soulmates? Do you believe in them? I do. I believe that everyone is in your life for a reason. The problem is, I have such a hard time waiting for God to show me his will. What if my soulmate is here, right in front of me? What if he lives a thousand mies away? How will i meet him? What if I have met him and told him to "get lost?" What if.......

well i hope that he finds me because I have been searching. I know I know, im too young to wonder and worry about this, but i just cant help it.